Someone is probably going to take this post super personally, but rest assured this post is not about you. Still worried? The people who read this post (all 3 of them… Hi Mom!) need not think this post is about you either because it is not. This is more of a general advice post about how and/or if you should leave a church.
As a normal church member you will probably need to leave your church a handful of times in your life for various reasons so you should probably admit, just like other things that you only do a few times, that this topic is not an area of personal expertise. Pastors, on the other hand, have these conversations constantly as people come and go, especially in more transient cities like Raleigh-Durham. Therefore, as a Pastor, I think it’s important to offer some advice… lessons I have learned from seeing and experiencing the do’s and don’ts many times over.
(1) Deciding … Trying to decide if you should leave a church …
Ask: Am I running from something? If there is a “running from something” aspect to your decision then you should resolve those matters before deciding to leave. (Unless it’s false teaching- then run!)
i.e.,
–Am I just tired?
-Is there a conflict im running from?
-Is there a sense of shame that my pride is seeking to avoid instead of pressing in and growing through it?
Don’t just ask about how leaving or a new opportunity impacts you, but ask how it impacts the local body of Christ. This does not mean you have to stay at one church forever, but a mature believer will think through their relationships and scenarios with clarity and care. (i.e. friends who have come to appreciate your presence, children and students you have served and who know you, servant teams you are on, etc.)
Talk to wise counsel within your church (not “yes” people that you vent to but people who may actually challenge you). A leader, close friend, or small group leader is probably good. People often choose to only talk to people ‘outside’ the church for fear of being divisive or fear of people having a bias. This is faulty thinking. There is always a way to talk to people without being divisive and go ahead and believe the best of your brothers and sisters in Christ that they can be unbiased. Perhaps the fact that you only want to talk to people ‘outside’ your church about your fellowship at the church is revealing of a problem that you may need to own regarding your true invested-ness in community at your church.
Talk to one of your Pastors. Don’t assume Pastors just want you to stay at the church at all cost or that they have a bias. Pastors care about PEOPLE and want what is truly best for people. The only thing Pastors will insist upon is that you leave well and no good Pastor will insist you stay at the church. Pastors, like parents, love to be invited into the decision-making process and Pastors feel a special joy when they can reach out to another Pastor and help a departing member get connected in a new solid church.
If meeting with the Pastor, tell the Pastor before the meeting what you want to meet about (do not ambush). Do the hard work of processing your thoughts and be able to articulate the decision you are trying to make with the the 2-3 most important factors. Maybe come to the meeting with notes.
Seek wise counsel BEFORE a decision is more than 51% made. Let’s be honest and practical here…. If you reach out for counsel once the decision is already made (or even 51% made) you are either wasting your own time and theirs or you are being in-authentic by calling it “seeking counsel.”
(2) Time to Leave? Here is how to leave well…
A church is a precious local family of the people of God purchased by the blood of Christ. Therefore, when and if we leave we want to do so very differently then the way we terminate a membership at Golds Gym or switch from AT&T to Verizon.
If you, like many, have unfortunately skipped the steps above on how to involve others within your church in your decision and have already come to a pretty firm decision of leaving then you do not need to insist on a bunch of time with leadership to meet and talk about it. Go ahead and go. Just learn from it, communicate your decision in writing, speak blessing, and go ahead and leave the best way you can. A quick heart-felt phone call to the Pastor or Zoom will be fine.
Be able to articulate your reason for leaving in a brief statement.
Important: Make your last season (or few weeks) at the church one of faithfulness not flakiness.
Don’t stop giving way before you leave.
Don’t make the leadership and Pastors the very last people you formally tell you are leaving lest it be perceived as (or actually be) divisive. They should be some of the first to know so that there can be unity and so that they can answer people’s questions if it comes up that you are leaving. Work together with and under the pastoral leadership of your church.
Thank the church and leadership personally. In writing is best. The church where you are at is not perfect (and they know it!) but neither are you, … most likely you have been pretty blessed by your church:
i.e.,
–All of the opportunities to make the friendships at the church that you have are a direct result of the church leadership making spaces (i.e. groups, teams, etc.) for this to happen. Say thanks.
–You have been given opportunities to use your gifts, which is a trust from leadership to you. Say thanks.
–You have been given opportunities to be discipled directly or indirectly. Say thanks.
–God has grown you through the ministry of this church. Say thanks to God and those He has used.
–In some cases you may have even been paid as a staff person or given a title. What a privilege. Say thanks.
Be a unity builder as you leave. It is Jesus’ church (not the pastors) and we should all have a serious level of reverence about that. Not saying something negative is not enough on this point, rather we must be proactive and speak words of blessing and unity. Your awkward silence can be louder than words. If you feel that’s what you have to do then you may not be ready to leave well because you may have some unresolved relational conflict.
Your church may have let you down in a real way. Many do! However, all your discouragements are not the fault of the church or church leadership. You being upset with a leadership decision at your church does not make you the victim of spiritual abuse or some kinda toxic church culture. Your focus is to be on you leaving well and not on diagnosing where the church of Jesus Christ needs to grow. Let Jesus handle that. Read Revelation 1-3 and see that Jesus is all about rebuking the faults in churches.
Be sure to say goodbye to people on a Sunday morning. Let your kids say goodbye to their friends. Your friendships will NOT be the same when you go to another church. If you are leaving you have made the decision to change those relationships in a significant way and you need to own that. Your paths will cross WAY less now in life. It’s okay!! But just own it. The goodbyes do not have to be a bunch of individual coffees and dinners. Just do it all over 1-2 Sundays and make a few calls.
(3) How to stay … if God is calling you to stay put
Reaffirm your commitment to the church with clarity.
Determine you are staying put with firmness and don’t keep re-evaluating every week and after every sermon and small group (ie…. Say, “Im staying put and not gonna keep debating… I will re-assess no sooner than 12 months if at all”).
Share about this process for you and ask for help (i.e. humbly say, “here are the reasons I have been wrestling with leaving but Im gonna stay, can we seek to address this stuff in the next season while Im here.”)
Get a fresh start if needed. Get in a new small group be on a new serving team, find a new rhythm.
Conclusion
Test yourself….
-If you feel it would be awkward to visit your old church on a Sunday or see your former Pastor at the grocery store then you probably did not leave well.
-If you are tempted to gossip or post things on social media that may throw shade at your former church then you probably did not leave well.
Last thoughts…
Your family always has your back but do know that your spouse and your kids will be grateful in ways they may not be able to fully articulate if you will handle church and relationship transitions with excellence and care.
When I was a young Pastor I would try to challenge people away from leaving and show them their bad reasons or try to teach them something as they left. Over time I learned that in most cases this is not needed or helpful. I have learned over time that love and “as good of a relationship as possible” is the win in 90% of situations.
As a Pastor I regularly pray for people who have not left our church well. I have a list. I pray God’s blessing upon them and for them to experience fruitfulness and blessing in their next chapter.
Pastors secretly appreciate it when people leave their church in a good way. So many people do it poorly that Pastors almost need someone to occasionally “leave well” just to remind them that it can be done. A few people have left our church this past year in a healthy way and it has been a blessing!
I am writing this not from a place of frustration with anyone personally over how they have left the church where I have the blessing of being a Pastor. I am writing this from a place of truly “feeling for folks” who just do not know the best way to handle this type of situation.
There is much more that could be said than is written here. What is written here could be said much better. Yet, this is what I am saying to help in anyway I can.
There are always exceptions and unique cases and advice is never meant to be a cookie cutter one size fits all thing. Challenge yourself with these thoughts, pray over it, and filter the advice through the details of your own situation.
No one handles anything perfectly. I royally mess stuff up all the time and I have left churches poorly before. I have noticed that when I left a church well Jesus seemed to uniquely bless and honor it in the next season of my life. All we can do is try our best and always seek to be better.
1 Peter 4:8- “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Romans 12:18- “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Pastor Matt Schoolfield 