It’s been a while since I’ve shared this story and with a big increase in singles at Fellowship Raleigh lately, I thought I’d share again. I hope this will encourage and give some wisdom…. this was written by Kristin and I. We are the furthest thing from perfect people and do not have a perfect marriage and all of our friends know that. Also please know that many lessons learned combined with solid church community shaped the way that we handled our dating relationship (as outlined below).
OUR STORY: MATT & KRISTIN
Lessons and principles as we went from just friends to joyfully married in pastoral ministry…
Having both had some past dating relationships that we regret, Kristin and I really wanted to honor God as we began dating (2002). We were not perfect, but we do believe that by God’s grace we were able to navigate this challenging process with wisdom and without any tragic, dishonoring-to-God mistakes.
You may be reading this as a person who is single, dating, engaged, young married, or just married. Your relationships will be very unique to you and you will not want to directly “copy and paste” from ours, but we do hope that in reading this story you will be encouraged and maybe grab some principles and ideas that you can use to honor God in your relationships.
SEASON OF FRIENDSHIP (A FEW MONTHS)
We became friends at school and hung out together in groups and occasionally alone. During this time we not only figured out what type of person each was, but learned that we could have fun together, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company. We also began serving at our local church together and got to know each other better through school and church.
THE TRANSITION
The transition was much more intentional than just asking Kristin on a first date. Another guy had asked Kristin out, making Matt jealous and forcing him to realize that he liked Kristin as “more than a friend” and that he needed to act quickly before someone else beat him to it. I (Matt) called Kristin’s dad and both surprised and honored him by asking his permission to ask Kristin out. After her dad gave his blessing, I wrote a letter to Kristin and gave it to her with a flower at breakfast. In this letter, I told Kristin that I liked her and asked her to be in an exclusive relationship with me where we would protectively and intentionally pursue God’s will for marriage.
It took Kristin about a week to get back to me with her answer, not because she did not desire to start a relationship with, but because she wanted to pray and seek wise counsel. She had purposefully not dated in college because she wanted her dating relationship to lead to marriage. Therefore, this decision was important and one that she needed to make both for the present and the future. Her close friends and she agreed that Matt had shown to be both a good friend and a man of character – the type of guy God calls husbands to be. She finally told Matt “yes” and he suggested that they read a chapter from Boy Meets Girl by Josh Harris (Chapter 5 – More than Friends, Less than Lovers: How to grow and guard in friendship, fellowship, and romance). Hate on it if you must, but this is actually a really helpful book!
SEASON OF DATING (A LITTLE OVER A YEAR)
A Vision for Our Relationship
A little after our first date, we sat down and discussed what our relationship would hopefully look like. Matt cast a vision for an exclusive relationship that would help protect each other while allowing us to intentionally pursue God’s will for marriage.
- Exclusive: We were not dating others
- Protective: We were cautious about getting too attached emotionally, physically, or spiritually early on (i.e. We never went camping or on long trips together, only occasionally prayed together, and were careful not to talk on the phone too much).
- Intentional: We were starting out with the “marriage” word on the table and weren’t taking each other for test drives or casual dating
- God’s will for marriage: Has God given us excitement about it? Is it wise? Is it Biblical? Do our friends, pastors, and parents affirm our relationship? God’s will could have been “no” for which we would have been grateful and had no regrets. In our case, God’s will was “yes,” leading us to marriage.
Our Physical Relationship
Like any Christian couple, we wanted to remain pure until marriage, and we knew about the law of diminishing returns – the more physical you get, the more physical you will want to be. I asked Kristin’s permission to hold hands on the first date and even asked her permission to kiss a couple months into the relationship, which made Kristin feel very respected. It was a constant challenge to stay physically pure, and we weren’t perfect, but fortunately had some accountability in place. We were never in my seminary dorm room with the door closed, and the other guys on the floor held us to this. Kristin was always going home by midnight and also lived with her parents at the time, which provided built-in accountability. As well, I never stayed too late at Kristin’s house, and we both had accountability partners who asked us questions about physical purity.
Our Emotional Relationship
We decided to take things slowly in order to protect each others’ hearts by not rushing ahead and promising more than God had for us at the time. With that in mind, we waited to say “I love you” after dating for about 6 months and are thankful we waited to say these powerful words. I (Matt) ended up going back to Tallahassee that summer to do a pastoral internship at a church. A friend and mentor of his suggested that we only write letters to each other during this season of discerning our future. After praying about this idea, I (Matt) felt like less would be more during this season and decided that the only form of contact we had that summer would be through snail mail – that’s right, no phone calls or emails! Kristin was not a big fan of this, but I felt it was best and insisted. Near the end of the summer, Kristin visited me in Tallahassee for a weekend. Among other things, I communicated to Kristin my desire to pursue marriage even further. According to Kristin I was always pretty good about leading our relationship and telling Kristin where he was in the process. We also had the big conversation about past relationships. We inspected each other’s baggage – Kristin packed light in a small handbag and I (Matt) had a full size U-haul. It was not easy, but we listened, understood each other, felt sad, got defensive, forgave, and moved forward toward marriage.
Our Friendship
During the season of dating, we continued to nurture our friendship in many ways. One way was to serve in our church’s college ministry together. This was a great community-wide affirmation process for our relationship. The college students, fellow volunteers, and the college pastor knew us both well individually and as a couple. The college pastor eventually did affirm our direction towards marriage, did our premarital counseling, and married us. We also made a point to continue to hang out with our groups of friends. Although we went on individual dates, we also planned double dates as well as times to spend time with our friends together.
THE TRANSITION – THE PROPOSAL
Matt asked Kristin’s parents for their blessing and for Kristin’s had in marriage, which they agreed to, so Matt bought the engagement ring. Not long after that, her parents changed their mind and wanted us to wait until after we graduated from seminary. This was a very temporarily agonizing time for us in our relationship. We were adults and were willing to get engaged without their blessing, but we did not want to do it that way. This was the first of many times Kristin had to deal with “leaving and cleaving,” and this helped Matt and her to start developing loving and healthy boundaries with family. We waited it out a little longer, got some wise counsel from others and talked further with Kristin’s parents until they finally said yes again. After receiving the green light, I took Kristin back to where they had their first date along Lake Michigan, hit a knee, and popped the question, to which Kristin said yes.
SEASON OF ENGAGEMENT (7 MONTHS)
Many people take 1-2 years to plan their wedding in order to finish school or just allow enough time to plan the perfect wedding. We understand this mindset, but deliberately chose not to adopt it for ourselves. For us, the most important thing was purity, getting married, and getting started on life together. Planning a beautiful wedding was also extremely important to us, but we weren’t going to wait two years for this!
Our Physical Relationship
We were told that engagement is an especially hard time to remain physically pure since marriage is so close to being a reality. In response to this, I (Matt) decided that we would not kiss again until our wedding day. Kristin was not a big fan, but once again I felt strongly that this was best and insisted (theme emerging). Even without kissing, temptation was extremely strong during this season. Looking back, we are so glad we did this to help us stay pure.
Preparation for Marriage
We probably spend 15-20 hours in premarital counseling with a pastor in Tallahassee (Paul Gilbert) and more time with our pastor in Chicago (Brian Medaglia). Our time with both was very helpful and thorough as we talked through and made decisions relating to our expectations (i.e. how many kids we wanted, where holidays would be spent, who would handle our money, role of the husband and wife, sex, communication, etc).
During the last month and a half of our engagement, Kristin moved out of her parent’s house and into the apartment where we would live together once married. This was very intentional step in leaving and cleaving. We thought it would be a good and healthy expression of independence from Mom and Dad while wedding planning and before we tied the knot.
MARRIAGE – PURSUING RELATIONAL ONENESS
We got married and started life together on July 24, 2004 in Chicago (12+ years ago). In some future blog post I will post about the ups, downs, and awesomeness of marriage for us!
KEY VERSES ON THIS SUBJECT
Genesis 2:18
Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Song of Solomon 2:7
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 15:22
Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…
Romans 12:1
Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship.
Romans 13:14
But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.
1 Corinthians 6:12-13
“Everything is permissible for me”– but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”– but I will not be mastered by anything.
1 Corinthians 7:8-9
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Corinthians 10:31
So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Galatians 5:22
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.
Colossians 2:6-8
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.
1 Thessalonians 4:3
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality
1 Timothy 5:1-3
Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father. Treat younger men like brothers, older women like mothers, younger women like sisters, in all purity.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Pastor Matt Schoolfield 
Leave a comment